Christmas Day

I think Christmas is about learning to spend time with and trying to get along with your family. That is what I mostly did today. But it really is just a day of normal colors. Only I never left the house. I did ask to understand God and Jesus this Christmas. I think it is amazing that the whole month of December is just building up and building up to this moment, to this day. And yet, after the initial opening of the gifts, the rest of the day feels like an anticlimax. Maybe Christmas Day, like the prom, really isn't all it's cracked up to be. After weeks of planning, pruning, purchasing, the day finally arrives, and what? It's over in twelve hours, give or take. You're left with a mess, a topsy state of mind, and memories that could go either way on the enjoyable scale. I don't know. Christmas has been so twisted and flipped around throughout the ages that it's hard to know what it's supposed to mean. I know it's cliche. But it probably is what you make of it. I don't know. I'm done. Happy Christmas.

Christmas Eve

Today was a really good day. We did our Christmas Pageant; it was practically flawless. Erica played the angel Gabriel, a wiseman, and the donkey, Cameron filmed, edited, and played a wiseman and an innkeeper, hannah played elizabeth and a wiseman, Carter played a sheep, an innkeeper, and the wisemen's servent, Magua. AVa played Jesus, I played Mary and King Herod, Mom played an innkeeper, and Dad played Joseph (Henry was out of town). After it was all said and down, we watched it with our cousins, the Ostrengas. It was soooo sweet. Well, just got back from midnight mass. I fell asleep almost. Anyway, the movie-making was an experience. Especially with dad grabbing naked Ava from between my legs. Haha. Anyway, I have to put the presents under the tree and go to bed. Merry Christmas. And happy birthday to Jesus.

Christmas Adam

The day before Christmas Eve. Har-har. Feeling Grinchy. I'm doing nothing but watching dumb TV while my two best friends are sledding together (without calling me), my sister is at a party, and my brother has ten friends partying in the family room. I don't even know where anyone else is. But I'm depressed. I could play my cello. I'm just starting to learn it. I could drive to...to...bahhaw. I'm going to breakdown and call someone. I called Elise. She was the one who went sledding. But it's okay because she thought I was going skiing. Which I was earlier today. She's going to bed and I'm thinking it's a good idea. Dear God: Thank you for my shirt. Thank you for books, fire, and plants. Thanks for water, snow, mice, lights, and toilets. Thank you for my home, chairs, and pillows, medicine, Ava, and cherryblossoms. Thank you for voices raised in song. Thank you for bones, muscles, blood, and tissue. Especially tissue. Thanks for all the opportunities you give. Thanks for the patience and the ideas. Thanks for both of my parents being alive, thanks for crazy family and crazy everyone. Thank you for Joseph and Mary. Please take my fear; help me learn and understand. Help me to let go of stress and worries. I know I need you, I think. Amen.

Day Something

Christmas is a day of love and giving and showing appreciation. Giving someone a present means you love them in this culture and society. Or it could be an obligatory thing. Well, it is anyway, but not just that to a lot of people I think. The world is far from perfect. Probably because there are billions of voices and common ground is hard to find. It's too much of a challenge. The world can't be saved, can it? So what was Jesus here to do, anyway? Save us from our sins? Well I don't even know what that means. We still sin, we still have consequences for sinning, we will keep sinning. So. Are we just supposed to strive for goodness all the time? I don't know anyone that does just that. Maybe we just do what is easy, but easy on our conscience, too. Which could be just about anything, really. You could justify anything in the end. Plus there are no clear boundaries. There are the commandments. But there are grey areas for everything. Christmas is probably just what you make of it. People that aren't Christian celebrate Christmas. Other people that aren't Christian can't play any type of Christmas music, secular or not.
Our tree is the ugliest thing you ever did see. It's bulky and thick, someone was creative enough to put not only silver garland but red garland to and fro across it, the strung lights are an odd combination of pinks, greens, yellows and blues. The ornaments range from popsicle stick rudolphs to large paper bells to heavy snowman to pictures of young children, and the crookedly placed star on top alternates from neon blue to neon green every two seconds (it's very distracting).
Not a person is balanced between rationality and emotionality when it comes to thinking, acting, and reacting. They are either too rational and considered a stoic or heartless or they are too emotional and get carried away with anything they think might be mildly offensive. Ava is the only innocent one, so it's a good thing she'll be playing Jesus in the pageant, (although she has no choice). The scarf tied on my head today both liberated me and oppressed me. I was free in choosing how to dress, yet i was called a pirate, a gypsy, a mammy, and my scarf was called a turban (which it did not look like in the least, by the way). I listened to a large discussion/debate on power dynamics and racism today after school between two well-educated people. Immediately following, I had a dumb argument that led to nowhere good because in a remark realizing my headscarf oppression, my headscarf was called a turban and I was blunt and annoyed because the person who said it said it without thinking first and because I reacted thus I felt obligated to explain that I was only blunt because I had just gotten out of a large discussion/debate and couldn't handle non-thought-out and plainly wrong remarks. Because the person was highly emotional and not at all rational, things escalated to the point where I couldn't explain myself without everything I said being interrupted and\or ridiculously twisted back at me. And so this just makes me mad. And then I read my sister's paper on how Muslim women in secularized Turkey feel liberated or oppressed by their headscarves. So the moral of the story is that everything is real and nothing makes real sense.
Ah, Christmas. Such a lovely time of the year, isn't it? A time for giving. Because no other time is a time for giving. Sorry. Just ignore the sarcasm. Think think think. Pachew pachew. Is life really just what you make of it? I need some fresh perspective, always. Nicely done, well-seasoned perspective. Ratatouille reference. We are not what you think we are. We are golden.

Day 5

I went shopping. Joke... Just kidding. Well kind of. Eventually I got so sick of spending money that I went to Goodwill to get the rest of my family's presents. Is that real? Is that pathetic? It's what I said, I don't want to buy a lot of presents for people or expensive ones and all that. My brother tried to lecture me on how the worst thing is giving a present you're not proud of. I think that is what everyone pretty much bases their Christmas shopping on, except that proud means extra and more and purchase lots for more dollars, that is what proud of equals, if you get my drift. Maybe we are brainwashed into thinking that we can only feel good about giving if we give the best gifts..(most expensive)..et cetera. The movies and books I got are great. Like, super, probably. But will they even be appreciated to their full and true value and potential? Let's see... Used, oldie but goodie VHS movie, versus brand-spanken new just-came-out blue ray hi def whatever DVD. Who gets the better thank you? Isn't it the thought that counts, guys?.. Guys?.. Are you there?.. Okay good. Scared me for a second there... Anyways. I do feel kind of ...bad that I didn't get "proper" as it were, gifts for mein familias. I'm infected with the media you-must virus. How come acting of my beliefs doesn't really feel too great right now? Song burst: Where are you Christmas? Why can't I find you?? How come I used to understand Christmas and never had doubted its validity before this year? I seem to know how important it is or should be. I'm just scared that I maybe won't love it this year. Maybe that's why I'm doing this. If this is growing up, I sort of want to grow down. Let me be the first to admit it. Au Revoir.

Days 3 and 4:

I typed up a version of the Christmas Pageant and I'm going to put it on with my family. We're going to tape it and play it on Christmas Eve. That is the plan, anyways. There is much to do. Like where are we giong to have each scene? What about all the costumes? And who is going to play the donkey? Ava is going to play the baby Jesus, and she is so excited. She's pudgy and five months old, but she'll have to do. I'm going to be Mary, I think. And since Cameron won't play Joseph, I've asked Henry to do it. Haha. I think it's going to be great. I walked around for awhile the other night with pillow in my shirt and some sheets wrapped around me. I really thought I was Mary. Then we watched "The Nativity Story" and I was just in love with it all.

Yesterday I visited my elderly neighbors, Gordon and Grace. They are in their early nineties and Gordon is half paralyzed from his stroke. I hadn't visited them in a while. I sat and talked with them for a while and promised I'd come back later. And I did. I brought Mollee, Carter, and Ava with me this time, along with some homemade heath candy and banana bread. It was a lot of fun. Gordon was laughing and smiling as Ava grabbed his hands and ferociously tried to eat his knuckles with her gums. It really brightened his day, I think. Also I invited them to come over on Christmas day, because they had no plans. I joked with Grace, saying we could pull Gordon over in a sled, and she just laughed and laughed. I also decided to get Grace a movie for Christmas. Her favorite, Gone with the Wind. I also want to take Grace shopping with me, because I know that she rarely ever leaves her house, and she would enjoy it. I don't know if she would leave Gordon by himself though.. We'll have to see.

Day Two:

So far, I have become more confused and sad as my quest takes me to new realizations. Why does Christmas mean different things, first of all. Yes, to some extent we are celebrating Jesus' birth. But I think mostly we are celebrating presents. So I asked Dictionary.com what they thought Christmas meant. Here's a portion of what they said:

Cultural Dictionary

Christmas definition

A festival commemorating the birth of

Jesus, traditionally celebrated on December 25 by most Western Christian churches. Although dating to probably as early as a.d. 200, the feast of Christmas did not become widespread until the Middle Ages

. Today, Christmas is largely secularized and dominated by gifts, decorated trees, and a jolly Santa Claus.

On some level I am very saddened by Christmas being largely secularized. But I can see the other side too. I also think Christmas causes way too much unnecessary stress. So I've decided to buy my family's presents at Goodwill or homemake them. I think they are more personal that way. Hopefully I'll be able to and not get swept away. It's quite difficult. I rang the Salvation Army bell today outside the grocery store. Part of the reason I did it was for the "volunteer" hours I have to get for National Honor Society, I'll admit. But the part that really was voluntary: Henry and I sang Christmas carols as people walked us by, and some said they'd donate money just because we were singing. So that was nice I think. I'll talk about this season's stand against secularization of Christmas that I have planned tomorrow. Peace.

The True Meaning of Christmas

Day One:
I've been wanting to search and find out the true meaning of Christmas; and while I'm at it, hopefully, of life itself. Everybody knows that Christmas means different things for different people. Many see it as a cultural event with many certain rules and guidelines as to how it must be done. Some see it as a time of much giving and getting, but more often than not, much spending. And, like portrayed in the movie, The Four Christmases, some see it as a chore to have to visit with their family. So what is Christmas? Is it really the celebration of the Christ's birth? Is it feeling particularly charitable and giving to the needy, all because it is that time of year? Is it being with the ones you love and showing your appreciation for them? And has Christmas become all about consumerism? You might say "Well yes, yes it has, but not for me. For others, perhaps it is all about spending and buying the latest gadgets, but it is I who knows the true meaning of Christmas!" Yet every Christmas, the average American spends over four hundred dollars! Sure, it's great for businesses. It might also be great news for your therapist. So here I start on my quest to find the true meaning (or spirit?) of what we call Christmas, the season of hope, peace and love, also decked halls, the birth of our Saviour, Saint Nick, Santa, elves, family, food, charity, snow and presents.

I just got really sad and then really angry. Today was the first day that my long time boyfriend told me that he didn't want to spend time with me, and gave no excuse. Minor? Probably. Upsetting? Obviously. Anyway he got angry at my sadness, so i got angry at his anger and we parted without making up. The one thing I thought I could count on always. Him wanting to be with me every day, at least. and now he just doesnt feel like it. this has never happened before. Oh well. Its fine. Its not a big deal. Really. sorry for the grammar. i dont care.

..

I'm going on a personal quest to find the true meaning of Christmas. All I can come up with at the moment is one word....Ava.

Moon river, what'd you do to me?

A dustland fairytale beginning
Or just a white trash county kiss
In '61, long brown hair,
And foolish eyes.

God gives us hope, but we still fear, we don't know.

My family said goodbye to Robert today. It's hard to believe really. It still hasn't really sunk in. For over a year now I've thought of him as my brother. We are the only family he has ever known. Ever since he was born, he was our son, our brother, our baby. Today his biological father came to take him home, twenty hours away. It makes me wonder... Scientists still debate on whether a person's character is made up from genes or their environment. Is someone's son still their son if all they did was give their genes? What about the people who gave the environment? Isn't it like fifty-fifty? All of a sudden Robert's technical father decides to claim his child and has a complete right because half of Robert's genes are his, although all of his experiences are ours. What makes a person belong to someone else? Why am I so good at thinking of all the questions, but I can never figure out any of the answers? Maybe it's better this way. Maybe there comes a point when after a few adopted children they don't feel like they are truly a part of the family, at least after thinking for so long that they weren't and would never be?

For every end there are many beginnings. Robert left us, but now we are a different family and need to learn to live with each other a different way. Robert's dad will have to begin as a full-time single father of a toddler. Robert will have to learn to love a new family, a new community, a new life, a life without ten thousand siblings to constantly keep him occupied. He'll just have to learn to be lonely. Every ending creates new beginnings.

hummus is good

Well. I think it's human nature to bring you down after you've been up. Just to even out the score. Happiness doesn't last. You've just got to make the best of what you have. Happy Easter everyone.

Oi! You!

Why am I always hungry nowadays? I went to soccer today. I was kind of sad. I almost felt like an outsider, like I didn't belong there with all the guys. I was the only girl there. And I kept having this ominous feeling that all the guys had grown and gotten better and I just stayed the same. Right when I got there I tried to join a circle with some of the guys passing the ball to each other, and they openly excluded me. Jokingly, perhaps. But it set the mood. After that I tried shooting goals-->bad idea. I am bad at goals in the first place...add to that the fact that I haven't worked out all winter, and haven't shot at a real goal since last fall. How humiliating. My best shot was when I was five feet away from the goal and the goalie was detained. On top of that, a lot of the guys got cocky and rude. Well it felt like that anyways, since usually they are quite nice to me. But its like last year they were boys, and this year they are men. Disgusting, rude, phony men who try to show off for their buddies. And mostly just don't make me feel good. I beginning to think that this really isn't my team, though I've always said it was. Maybe it never had been. Maybe to everyone on the team I was just a girl who was not very good, but just had to be respected because I was a girl and naturally not as good as the other guys. I don't know. It's just so sad. I loved that team, I really did. I liked to fool myslef into thinking I was as good as the worst guy on the team, at least, and therefore deserved to play on the team. Hell, I thought maybe they even needed me...Nah that's far-fetched. But I sure felt good being a part of that team. Now I just don't have the confidence or the stubbornness to continue as is, taking all the cracks from the guys or being treated unequally, even getting hit on a few times. I just want to be good enough to just be considered a part of the team. My gender not even an issue because I'm just that good. But that isn't about to happen. We still live in a world where the men all think they are better than women because they are generally stronger and tougher. I thought that that was over now, but it isn't. Just like when I was in early elementary school, I thought that wars were a thing of the past...No one could be that stupid anymore, could they? Didn't we know of better ways to solve problems by now? It was quite a letdown when I found out that wars weren't just things of the distant past. This is quite the same. I feel like I need to prove myself. But I feel like I shouldn't have to, in a weird way. It's a shame things aren't simpler in life.

Don't you know that I always laugh at just myself?

It's been a while. I'm keeping busy, as I am apt to do. I've started various projects, few that actually get finished, such as my laundry. But I made a video about the holocaust for my history class and I made a purse for my sister. I'm making a video about baby Robert, well its a slide show with music really. It's going to be so sad when/if he goes back to his dad in New Jersey. I try not to think about it too much, he's going to be with us probably at least another month. I'm also making jewelry...which is fun. Track starts next week...not enthralled. However I need to get in shape if I ever want to become a professional soccer player. I don't really know what I want to do with my life as far as a career goes. If the soccer thing works out I don't know how long I'd want to do it for. Just like anybody else, I want to be somebody. I want to do something important with my life. To help other people, to change other peoples' lives in a good way. I just don't know how I'd do that. I like so many things, and I believe that I am good at many things and could do anything I want to. But I just can't choose. I love everything. I want to play soccer, do missionary work in other countries, be a diplomat and solve problems, cure diseases, care for the sick, be an artist and musician, write articles and books, be a mother, actress, wife, sail boater, birdwatcher, woodcarver, clay molder, historian, lover, jewelry maker, art teacher, coach, philosopher, theologian, composer, singer, ballerina, psychologist, nurse, beekeeper, bookkeeper, traveller and a queen. I just don't have all that time..or money to do those things. Indecisive.. that's me to a tee. Rah rah ooh la la. Romba romba ba. ga ga ooh la la. or something like that...hummm

hullo frunds

Well. The play is finally over. Hard to comprehend, really. It all ended so fast. Kind of sad in a way. Oh well, here's to new beginnings. I have much more free time now. I just have to figure out what to do with it all. I cleaned my room today. I hadn't done laundry in like three weeks, at least. I am realizing just how much clothes I have. Hopefully now with all this time I have I can put more effort into the relationships I have been neglecting in the past few stressful weeks. Still, I'm going to miss being with all the cast (and crew!) that I've loved the past two months. And I'm not the only one, I know. It just makes me realize how much love a person has to give. It's a huge amount. Love can't be used up on the few people who are the most important to you. A great philosopher once said, "Let the ones you love know so, let the ones you don't love know it's possible, let yourself know your love is limitless and infinite". Or something like that.. But'tis true if you think about it. Where does your love end? Nowhere. And that actually wasn't by a great philosopher. It was by me. I think, because I thought of it. But you know how sometimes you worry that something you say someone has probably already said, so it would be like taking their credit or having people not believe you even if you really did think of it yourself? So maybe it was me...I don't know. Je t'aime tout le monde.

So be it.

I'm listening to my Michael Jackson albums. It's precious. Well, three days 'til the play. I must say I am feeling much more relaxed about it than I have been. Strange, isn't it? But anxiety gets annoying after a while. And tiresome. So I'm not. I am just a little worried about people liking it. I mean, I hope they do. I think half of my relatives are going, including my grandma. And this is Romeo and Juliet post-apocalypic, and J.J. style. Which means it's grungy and violent and weird. And Romeo and Juliet really is a weird play to begin with. Plus all my teachers and classmates are going to see it. Joy. Sometimes I wonder how I got myself in this position. But I was thinking today, and I realized that I've actually learned quite a lot from this experience. It affects me in my regular daily life. I realize it when I try to get a point across to people. I realize what my face looks like, how my actions and movements come across to people, and how important communication is. People who aren't close to you aren't just going to know how you feel. You have to show them, emphasizing, even exaggerating your point. It's all how the other person perceives and interprets. You have to actually show what you feel. I've also learned that a person can do anything with the right amounts of determination and confidence. Today I was imagining myself in the talent show, and I was completely okay with it. I was actually thinking that it would be fun. And two months ago I would have never thought I could ever do such a thing. But you are always in control of yourself and your nerves. And if you truly believe it, you will be able to do anything you want to. I've learned that sometimes you just have to do. Things. Sometimes you just have to be something. So be it. I've learned that I shouldn't be afraid of the unknown. You have to embrace it. It is my personal belief that one of the core problems of humanity is that people are often not open to new things and ideas. And because they aren't, people can't change, and therefore cannot properly solve many problems. So, trying new things = good. Being close-minded = bad. I've also learned to notice why I do things when I do them and what to expect as a reaction. I've learned that its okay and even preferable to be quite personable around people you don't know very well, because that is how you get to know them. And as much effort as it takes, a little smile can go a long way to that one person who is also walking awkwardly down the same empty hallway. I've learned to be yourself, always. And when you are acting, show with your own emotion what the character is feeling. And time goes by quickly. So seize the day and make it yours. The opportunities are endless, the possibilities are infinite, anything could happen and predictability is nil. One move could change your life by accident. But you get to choose your direction. On purpose.

It's the Final Countdown.

Romeo and Juliet performs in four days! Good or bad? UM>>>just freaking out. At rehearsal today I was almost strangled by a combo of my twelve necklaces and my never-ending allergy congestion while on Juliet's deathbed. I kept choking and swallowing; it really was a disgrace. Also I kepsh mishmashming my thwords chands shuch. But other than that today went fairly well. Kissed Romeo for the first time. It wasn't as weird as I thought it would be. So I guess everything is going to be okay. If my nerves don't paralyze my legs or shrivel up my mouth and tongue, which they have been known and prone to do. Ah, Juliet, I already know thy grief. It strains me past the compass of my wits. But we'll hope for the best. :P

Dumb.

I'm sitting in my English class bored as anything. I'm supposed to be looking facts on the author that wrote the book for my book report thats going to be easy and its due in over a month. Needless to say, I don't feel like researching. I was sitting at my desk nicely doing nothing and my teacher told me I was going to get a zero if I did nothing, even though I finished the said book three weeks ago when the assignment was given. This is so dumb. I could be napping.

Dearest

I was talking to Carter about heaven and how that's where our Grandpa Joel who died is. He asked if he was Dad's mom or grandma, and I said no, he is Dad's dad, also he was Grandma Gwen's husband, but now he is in heaven watching over us, but Grandma is still here with us. And then his face turned to pure sorrow and he said, "Dearest....Dearest....He shouldn't have done that!" I swear he was about to cry. It was so sad. I was like what? And he repeated himself, meaning that Grandpa shouldn't have left us like that. It was so cute! And he never even knew him. Dearest, dearest. What four-year-old says those things?

Hurrah

Today was Hannah's 11th birthday. We were all sitting around the dining room table awaiting our chocolate-coated fruit and ice cream. Mom lit one of our large scented candles, (we couldn't find the birthday candles), and began a chorus of "Happy Birthday". Only I sang "Poopy Birthday". Mature, I know. Anyways, right as the song finished, Carter tried to blow out Hannah's birthday candle but she put an end to that by smacking him in the face. My mom started yelling at her and my dad said "This is our family." Then my mom yelled my dad for being "inappropriate" and they had a scuffle about what was really inappropriate. Carter cried as Hannah blew out her candle nonchalantly and my mom stormed off to her bedroom. Then I watched as Cameron unsuccessfully tried to eat a stawberry but it flew out of his mouth. I kept dipping my sweatshirt in the ice cream and Robert continually screamed from his high chair. This is our family.

Circle of Life

I was just talking to my best freind about love on the phone. I just kept going and going because she wanted my advice and I didn't even know where it all was coming from. I was just spurting out all the core details and the important things and I just realized what i was saying pretty mmuch the same time as it was all coming out. And it sounded good. But the central idea that I kept coming back to was that good relationships occur when you have a strong sense of who you are as an idividual. You need to know and be secure in your beliefs and your values; you need to know who you are. Strong relationships are built off of strong people who have much of the same ideals. As I explained to her these things, I felt like I knew this bounty of knowledge but only now it was truly becoming apparent to me. I feel very lucky to have someone in my life who knows me well and agrees with what I stand for. Good people who fit your personality, and hold true to the beliefs you share, are hard to find. Add mutual attraction and it's almost impossible. So, if you do find that someone, hold on to them even through the tough times. Even if you sometimes get bored, or even if you feel an attraction towards somebody else, always remember that the person you are with is the one who'll stick with you. They are the ones who are the most important to you. They are the ones who you want to be happy and would never hurt. Love conquers all. Love is above image. It is above lust. It vanquishes fear and stimulates growth; it is the center of all motives and the epitome of life. Love is what is important. So if you've lost the connection with someone you love, do whatever it takes to reconnect with them or you just might regret it.

ButhDAY

A lot of people have birthdays. So do I. But mine is special because I got a large gummy crocodile and a basket of fruit and cookies. Is anyone else that cool? I didn't think so. I also got some other normal people things like roses and chocolates and cards. I probably said 'thank you' five dozen times today to various "happy birthday"ers. I also got a back of candy dumped on my head by my mom for some reason...I got two midnight calls, three locker posters, four birthday texts, four birthday cards, and fourteen facebook messages so far. maybe to some that isn't brag-worthy, but I think it is. Night all:)

Juliet

Sometimes I feel like I can't become Juliet. I don't know how to genuinely feel like her or know what she's thinking when she does the things she does. She is elusive to me. She is today, she is tomorrow. She is the faintest scent of a cactus flower, the flitting shadow of an elf owl. We do not know what to make of her. In our minds we try to pin her to a corkboard like a butterfly, but the pin merely goes through and away she flies. How can I be this girl when I don't even know who I am? The words don't go with the painted picture and my heart cannot be what it is not. According to my director I am astensible. And he's right, but I don't know how I can change it. And it scares me. A mountain I can't climb. Juliet is the wind but it's all words and I can't just be. Am I afraid? Afraid to make a fool of myself or put myself out there? I suppose. I never expected this unexpected. I feel like I'm trying as hard as I can and it just isn't working. But I know I'm not trying as hard as I can because I never try as hard as I can with anything. And whether it be luck or brains or being in God's favor, I feel like I can do almost anything without much effort. Call it a blessing; sometimes it's a curse. For when challenged with the practically impossible I don't know how to overcome. She eludes me. Although I've felt love, I've never felt impossible, improbable, or star-crossed love like Juliet. I can't seem to portray her innocence, her oppression, her grief, or her passion. Juliet is the sun, and I am but a moonbeam trying to take the cake. Too early seen unknown, and known too late. Oh Churl.

..the man in the mirror

I haven't written any blogs in a while because I've been pretty busy with memorizing my lines, studying for exams, and hanging out with friends. But I also haven't been that inspired. But after rehearsal I was sitting on the bench outside of the school thinking about all the major maladies our school is diseased with, and I noticed the school's name on the brick wall, but some parts of the name were hidden behind columns to me so I only saw one word. And then the words "high school" took on a whole new meaning to me. I had just gotten out of a conversation from some students in the auditorium about all the drug use that goes on within our student body. According to one student, "I'll bet 95% of the student population smokes pot. Everybody smokes pot. There are only a select few who don't." I am one of those people. And as such, this claim was a bit discomforting to me, as I know this student as being a generally honest person. I never would imagine that the numbers were so high. It just never occurred to me, because this area of student activity has never been very apparent to me. None of my close friends smoke pot, and none of my friends that I know of. I started to wonder if my friends and I were part of a tiny little percentage. It can be scary to know that you're almost alone. Another student (who smokes) said, "It's not just stoners. There's the stoners, and then there's people who smoke pot. There's a big difference. I just don't see myself within that group. Because all they talk about is how high they got the last time." I explained my situation to my dad as being in a clean air bubble with my friends, but all around the bubble is smoke. And my suspiscion is that there are other bubbles out there, but I can't really tell who's in them through the smokeyness. And if there becomes a leak in our bubble, the smoke will affect everyone in it. Odd and slightly stupid, but that's how I thought of it. And then I got to thinking of why everyone felt such a pull towards smoking pot and other negative behaviors. I found that it reverts back to my old theory, that one of the deepest and utmost beliefs or values of humans is to Find the High. Whether it be drugs, alcohol, shoplifting, snowboarding, or rock climbing. And the more lows people encounter in their lives, the stronger the subconscious or conscious feeling to find their high. Whatever makes people feel good enough will be the escape from whatever is going wrong in their lives. And it only makes it more tempting when everyone else is doing it. I thought that was just a phrase that parents and teachers said, just to say it. But really, everyone is doing it. And there aren't any instructions on how to keep your resolve. Somehow you have to find it inside yourself. And until you do, you'll find yourself struggling through life's stages. Like the pressure is building outside your bubble threatening to pop it and you feel like you are exerting lots of effort to keep it safe. As we were picking up the boys from day care, I watched as a little boy laughed and ran out the door, thinking to myself, "Is this boy destined to succumb to the evilities in high school that are certain to pop up? And then I looked at my smiling four-year old brother and asked myslef the same thing. I (hopefully) won't be living at home for him when he enters this critical stage. So then I asked myself what could possibly be done to fix our society so that he doesn't ever have to encounter the bad stuff? And my answer was this: I really don't know. That's it. I have no idea. I don't even know how to protect my boyfriend. I don't even know how to protect myself. I don't even know how long my resolve will hold up. To everything that I have always been taught were evils. I no longer have a clear black and white view of right and wrong. As a human I am wired so that I want some direction for my life. Is that so wrong to ask? I don't know anymore. I used to be so sure of myself and what I believed. And now I don't know anything. I'm just so sad for it all. This is the end of my dramatic monologue. Goodnight all.

Stories

The best kinds of books are the books that make you think. And change. The kind that drag you out of your comfortable life and lead you to make a new decision, lead you to a string of new thoughts and ideas. The worst kind of struggles are struggles with identity. How are we supposed to know who we are? So many questions with no many answers. My one problem is the lack of large, tangibly real problems. My problems can never be solved because they are never acknowledged, and therefore, never understood. So they stack up; questions that aren’t answered and conflicts never resolved. What I strive for is wisdom; understanding. But these are futile, foolish dreams that can never be accomplished. The choice between blissful ignorance and a yearning curiosity has already been decided; there is no option. The rest of my days must be spent blindly seeking sight, poring over the mysteries without attaining resolution. It has already become my life’s work; a work with no end, a job never done. But my path is chosen, and no matter how hard I know I will try, it will never be finished. That is the center of all human acts and beliefs; that no matter how how we try, we will never be satisfied, that there is no end to time or space. Small satisfactions never last, our journey doesn’t end. We aren’t able, as humans, to perceive and end to our lives, an end to our world. We create in our minds a prolonged journey, an eternal afterlife with eternal beings. We ask ourselves, when the universe ends, what comes beyond? What is next? You see, we cannot see, nor understand the concept of an end. We turn inside ourselves to find the truth. We create the truth for ourselves, and in that, we become the truth. Our stories become our truth.

It's a Birthday!

It's Robert's first birthday today! My mom got him a rocking horse. But once we put it together, we realized it was much to big. And then we saw on the box that it said in huge, bold print, AGES 3 TO 8. Robert fell off of it when we sat him on it and started crying... It's okay, mom. You tried. I attempted to make a safety seat to put on it out of an old baby carrier and a cardboard box, and it almost worked, but Carter tried to use it unsuccessfully and everything went downhill from there. No one appreciated my efforts anyway. I swear, Carter is the epitome of bipolar attitudes. This morning we were snuggling peacefully on the sofa and the next thing I knew, he was chucking hard plastic horses at my chin. And boy does he have an arm. He never misses the opportunity to use it, either. And he never misses. Also, he likes to express his male dominance by wrestling with Robert, who, as I mentioned, is only one and just starting to crawl. So you can imagine how that turns out. Happy Birthday, Robs. Love you.

A Need to Change

After a few hours of romping in the snow, my four year old brother Carter comes in with a wet snowpants, jacket, hat, boots and gloves. The bottom of his pants were also wet and when I came in from hauling wood he was stripping by the fire. Then he started to take off his underwear and my dad said, "Carter, your underwear isn't wet. You don't need to change them." His reply, "Well I have to because--well, well sometimes I have to go to the bathroom a little outside and I-I need to change my underwear because they're wet. I just peed just a little--just a little bit, so I need to change them."