Oi! You!

Why am I always hungry nowadays? I went to soccer today. I was kind of sad. I almost felt like an outsider, like I didn't belong there with all the guys. I was the only girl there. And I kept having this ominous feeling that all the guys had grown and gotten better and I just stayed the same. Right when I got there I tried to join a circle with some of the guys passing the ball to each other, and they openly excluded me. Jokingly, perhaps. But it set the mood. After that I tried shooting goals-->bad idea. I am bad at goals in the first place...add to that the fact that I haven't worked out all winter, and haven't shot at a real goal since last fall. How humiliating. My best shot was when I was five feet away from the goal and the goalie was detained. On top of that, a lot of the guys got cocky and rude. Well it felt like that anyways, since usually they are quite nice to me. But its like last year they were boys, and this year they are men. Disgusting, rude, phony men who try to show off for their buddies. And mostly just don't make me feel good. I beginning to think that this really isn't my team, though I've always said it was. Maybe it never had been. Maybe to everyone on the team I was just a girl who was not very good, but just had to be respected because I was a girl and naturally not as good as the other guys. I don't know. It's just so sad. I loved that team, I really did. I liked to fool myslef into thinking I was as good as the worst guy on the team, at least, and therefore deserved to play on the team. Hell, I thought maybe they even needed me...Nah that's far-fetched. But I sure felt good being a part of that team. Now I just don't have the confidence or the stubbornness to continue as is, taking all the cracks from the guys or being treated unequally, even getting hit on a few times. I just want to be good enough to just be considered a part of the team. My gender not even an issue because I'm just that good. But that isn't about to happen. We still live in a world where the men all think they are better than women because they are generally stronger and tougher. I thought that that was over now, but it isn't. Just like when I was in early elementary school, I thought that wars were a thing of the past...No one could be that stupid anymore, could they? Didn't we know of better ways to solve problems by now? It was quite a letdown when I found out that wars weren't just things of the distant past. This is quite the same. I feel like I need to prove myself. But I feel like I shouldn't have to, in a weird way. It's a shame things aren't simpler in life.

Don't you know that I always laugh at just myself?

It's been a while. I'm keeping busy, as I am apt to do. I've started various projects, few that actually get finished, such as my laundry. But I made a video about the holocaust for my history class and I made a purse for my sister. I'm making a video about baby Robert, well its a slide show with music really. It's going to be so sad when/if he goes back to his dad in New Jersey. I try not to think about it too much, he's going to be with us probably at least another month. I'm also making jewelry...which is fun. Track starts next week...not enthralled. However I need to get in shape if I ever want to become a professional soccer player. I don't really know what I want to do with my life as far as a career goes. If the soccer thing works out I don't know how long I'd want to do it for. Just like anybody else, I want to be somebody. I want to do something important with my life. To help other people, to change other peoples' lives in a good way. I just don't know how I'd do that. I like so many things, and I believe that I am good at many things and could do anything I want to. But I just can't choose. I love everything. I want to play soccer, do missionary work in other countries, be a diplomat and solve problems, cure diseases, care for the sick, be an artist and musician, write articles and books, be a mother, actress, wife, sail boater, birdwatcher, woodcarver, clay molder, historian, lover, jewelry maker, art teacher, coach, philosopher, theologian, composer, singer, ballerina, psychologist, nurse, beekeeper, bookkeeper, traveller and a queen. I just don't have all that time..or money to do those things. Indecisive.. that's me to a tee. Rah rah ooh la la. Romba romba ba. ga ga ooh la la. or something like that...hummm

hullo frunds

Well. The play is finally over. Hard to comprehend, really. It all ended so fast. Kind of sad in a way. Oh well, here's to new beginnings. I have much more free time now. I just have to figure out what to do with it all. I cleaned my room today. I hadn't done laundry in like three weeks, at least. I am realizing just how much clothes I have. Hopefully now with all this time I have I can put more effort into the relationships I have been neglecting in the past few stressful weeks. Still, I'm going to miss being with all the cast (and crew!) that I've loved the past two months. And I'm not the only one, I know. It just makes me realize how much love a person has to give. It's a huge amount. Love can't be used up on the few people who are the most important to you. A great philosopher once said, "Let the ones you love know so, let the ones you don't love know it's possible, let yourself know your love is limitless and infinite". Or something like that.. But'tis true if you think about it. Where does your love end? Nowhere. And that actually wasn't by a great philosopher. It was by me. I think, because I thought of it. But you know how sometimes you worry that something you say someone has probably already said, so it would be like taking their credit or having people not believe you even if you really did think of it yourself? So maybe it was me...I don't know. Je t'aime tout le monde.