Oi! You!

Why am I always hungry nowadays? I went to soccer today. I was kind of sad. I almost felt like an outsider, like I didn't belong there with all the guys. I was the only girl there. And I kept having this ominous feeling that all the guys had grown and gotten better and I just stayed the same. Right when I got there I tried to join a circle with some of the guys passing the ball to each other, and they openly excluded me. Jokingly, perhaps. But it set the mood. After that I tried shooting goals-->bad idea. I am bad at goals in the first place...add to that the fact that I haven't worked out all winter, and haven't shot at a real goal since last fall. How humiliating. My best shot was when I was five feet away from the goal and the goalie was detained. On top of that, a lot of the guys got cocky and rude. Well it felt like that anyways, since usually they are quite nice to me. But its like last year they were boys, and this year they are men. Disgusting, rude, phony men who try to show off for their buddies. And mostly just don't make me feel good. I beginning to think that this really isn't my team, though I've always said it was. Maybe it never had been. Maybe to everyone on the team I was just a girl who was not very good, but just had to be respected because I was a girl and naturally not as good as the other guys. I don't know. It's just so sad. I loved that team, I really did. I liked to fool myslef into thinking I was as good as the worst guy on the team, at least, and therefore deserved to play on the team. Hell, I thought maybe they even needed me...Nah that's far-fetched. But I sure felt good being a part of that team. Now I just don't have the confidence or the stubbornness to continue as is, taking all the cracks from the guys or being treated unequally, even getting hit on a few times. I just want to be good enough to just be considered a part of the team. My gender not even an issue because I'm just that good. But that isn't about to happen. We still live in a world where the men all think they are better than women because they are generally stronger and tougher. I thought that that was over now, but it isn't. Just like when I was in early elementary school, I thought that wars were a thing of the past...No one could be that stupid anymore, could they? Didn't we know of better ways to solve problems by now? It was quite a letdown when I found out that wars weren't just things of the distant past. This is quite the same. I feel like I need to prove myself. But I feel like I shouldn't have to, in a weird way. It's a shame things aren't simpler in life.