So be it.

I'm listening to my Michael Jackson albums. It's precious. Well, three days 'til the play. I must say I am feeling much more relaxed about it than I have been. Strange, isn't it? But anxiety gets annoying after a while. And tiresome. So I'm not. I am just a little worried about people liking it. I mean, I hope they do. I think half of my relatives are going, including my grandma. And this is Romeo and Juliet post-apocalypic, and J.J. style. Which means it's grungy and violent and weird. And Romeo and Juliet really is a weird play to begin with. Plus all my teachers and classmates are going to see it. Joy. Sometimes I wonder how I got myself in this position. But I was thinking today, and I realized that I've actually learned quite a lot from this experience. It affects me in my regular daily life. I realize it when I try to get a point across to people. I realize what my face looks like, how my actions and movements come across to people, and how important communication is. People who aren't close to you aren't just going to know how you feel. You have to show them, emphasizing, even exaggerating your point. It's all how the other person perceives and interprets. You have to actually show what you feel. I've also learned that a person can do anything with the right amounts of determination and confidence. Today I was imagining myself in the talent show, and I was completely okay with it. I was actually thinking that it would be fun. And two months ago I would have never thought I could ever do such a thing. But you are always in control of yourself and your nerves. And if you truly believe it, you will be able to do anything you want to. I've learned that sometimes you just have to do. Things. Sometimes you just have to be something. So be it. I've learned that I shouldn't be afraid of the unknown. You have to embrace it. It is my personal belief that one of the core problems of humanity is that people are often not open to new things and ideas. And because they aren't, people can't change, and therefore cannot properly solve many problems. So, trying new things = good. Being close-minded = bad. I've also learned to notice why I do things when I do them and what to expect as a reaction. I've learned that its okay and even preferable to be quite personable around people you don't know very well, because that is how you get to know them. And as much effort as it takes, a little smile can go a long way to that one person who is also walking awkwardly down the same empty hallway. I've learned to be yourself, always. And when you are acting, show with your own emotion what the character is feeling. And time goes by quickly. So seize the day and make it yours. The opportunities are endless, the possibilities are infinite, anything could happen and predictability is nil. One move could change your life by accident. But you get to choose your direction. On purpose.

It's the Final Countdown.

Romeo and Juliet performs in four days! Good or bad? UM>>>just freaking out. At rehearsal today I was almost strangled by a combo of my twelve necklaces and my never-ending allergy congestion while on Juliet's deathbed. I kept choking and swallowing; it really was a disgrace. Also I kepsh mishmashming my thwords chands shuch. But other than that today went fairly well. Kissed Romeo for the first time. It wasn't as weird as I thought it would be. So I guess everything is going to be okay. If my nerves don't paralyze my legs or shrivel up my mouth and tongue, which they have been known and prone to do. Ah, Juliet, I already know thy grief. It strains me past the compass of my wits. But we'll hope for the best. :P

Dumb.

I'm sitting in my English class bored as anything. I'm supposed to be looking facts on the author that wrote the book for my book report thats going to be easy and its due in over a month. Needless to say, I don't feel like researching. I was sitting at my desk nicely doing nothing and my teacher told me I was going to get a zero if I did nothing, even though I finished the said book three weeks ago when the assignment was given. This is so dumb. I could be napping.

Dearest

I was talking to Carter about heaven and how that's where our Grandpa Joel who died is. He asked if he was Dad's mom or grandma, and I said no, he is Dad's dad, also he was Grandma Gwen's husband, but now he is in heaven watching over us, but Grandma is still here with us. And then his face turned to pure sorrow and he said, "Dearest....Dearest....He shouldn't have done that!" I swear he was about to cry. It was so sad. I was like what? And he repeated himself, meaning that Grandpa shouldn't have left us like that. It was so cute! And he never even knew him. Dearest, dearest. What four-year-old says those things?

Hurrah

Today was Hannah's 11th birthday. We were all sitting around the dining room table awaiting our chocolate-coated fruit and ice cream. Mom lit one of our large scented candles, (we couldn't find the birthday candles), and began a chorus of "Happy Birthday". Only I sang "Poopy Birthday". Mature, I know. Anyways, right as the song finished, Carter tried to blow out Hannah's birthday candle but she put an end to that by smacking him in the face. My mom started yelling at her and my dad said "This is our family." Then my mom yelled my dad for being "inappropriate" and they had a scuffle about what was really inappropriate. Carter cried as Hannah blew out her candle nonchalantly and my mom stormed off to her bedroom. Then I watched as Cameron unsuccessfully tried to eat a stawberry but it flew out of his mouth. I kept dipping my sweatshirt in the ice cream and Robert continually screamed from his high chair. This is our family.

Circle of Life

I was just talking to my best freind about love on the phone. I just kept going and going because she wanted my advice and I didn't even know where it all was coming from. I was just spurting out all the core details and the important things and I just realized what i was saying pretty mmuch the same time as it was all coming out. And it sounded good. But the central idea that I kept coming back to was that good relationships occur when you have a strong sense of who you are as an idividual. You need to know and be secure in your beliefs and your values; you need to know who you are. Strong relationships are built off of strong people who have much of the same ideals. As I explained to her these things, I felt like I knew this bounty of knowledge but only now it was truly becoming apparent to me. I feel very lucky to have someone in my life who knows me well and agrees with what I stand for. Good people who fit your personality, and hold true to the beliefs you share, are hard to find. Add mutual attraction and it's almost impossible. So, if you do find that someone, hold on to them even through the tough times. Even if you sometimes get bored, or even if you feel an attraction towards somebody else, always remember that the person you are with is the one who'll stick with you. They are the ones who are the most important to you. They are the ones who you want to be happy and would never hurt. Love conquers all. Love is above image. It is above lust. It vanquishes fear and stimulates growth; it is the center of all motives and the epitome of life. Love is what is important. So if you've lost the connection with someone you love, do whatever it takes to reconnect with them or you just might regret it.

ButhDAY

A lot of people have birthdays. So do I. But mine is special because I got a large gummy crocodile and a basket of fruit and cookies. Is anyone else that cool? I didn't think so. I also got some other normal people things like roses and chocolates and cards. I probably said 'thank you' five dozen times today to various "happy birthday"ers. I also got a back of candy dumped on my head by my mom for some reason...I got two midnight calls, three locker posters, four birthday texts, four birthday cards, and fourteen facebook messages so far. maybe to some that isn't brag-worthy, but I think it is. Night all:)

Juliet

Sometimes I feel like I can't become Juliet. I don't know how to genuinely feel like her or know what she's thinking when she does the things she does. She is elusive to me. She is today, she is tomorrow. She is the faintest scent of a cactus flower, the flitting shadow of an elf owl. We do not know what to make of her. In our minds we try to pin her to a corkboard like a butterfly, but the pin merely goes through and away she flies. How can I be this girl when I don't even know who I am? The words don't go with the painted picture and my heart cannot be what it is not. According to my director I am astensible. And he's right, but I don't know how I can change it. And it scares me. A mountain I can't climb. Juliet is the wind but it's all words and I can't just be. Am I afraid? Afraid to make a fool of myself or put myself out there? I suppose. I never expected this unexpected. I feel like I'm trying as hard as I can and it just isn't working. But I know I'm not trying as hard as I can because I never try as hard as I can with anything. And whether it be luck or brains or being in God's favor, I feel like I can do almost anything without much effort. Call it a blessing; sometimes it's a curse. For when challenged with the practically impossible I don't know how to overcome. She eludes me. Although I've felt love, I've never felt impossible, improbable, or star-crossed love like Juliet. I can't seem to portray her innocence, her oppression, her grief, or her passion. Juliet is the sun, and I am but a moonbeam trying to take the cake. Too early seen unknown, and known too late. Oh Churl.