bobbing for apples

Everyday I think about Earth and outer space and how small we are. No one else around me ever seems to give it much thought. Like everything is normal. Because, it is. But our normal is really very abstract I think. We are on a spherical mass of rock and water spinning around a ball of fire and we don't even notice. We are too wrapped up in our own little worlds. Actually, do you ever realize that we are just mammals? Like we are all animals, don't you know? We suck in air and squeeze it out to live. We are hairy and bloody and animally, yet we never acknowledge that in our day to day life. All we think about is, what am I going to do today. Who really thinks about the big picture? We are really each our own body, in control of whatever we want to do that we can. We don't even appreciate evolution and all of our deep history. Like if someone ate something different 3,000 years ago, none of us would be doing what we are doing or be who we are maybe. And we never even think about that. Sometimes I just imagine if everything fake and manmade was just erased off of the Earth, what would we be reduced to? It would be beautiful sometimes. We take for granted that we have so much. We never even realize we are like, weird. Like. If you were just a floating spirit or something, would the human body seem really strange? But yet its just all normal and there aren't any new perspectives here. Isn't it scary that we are almost maybe alone in the universe and we don't know what is really real? I think so. I'm the only one who thinks and wonders about OUter Space, which is where everything is real I think. BEcause all of our stories and all that we know is just us and what we remember and deduct from other stories of us. And really, what are we anyway? How come we are more advanced than any other animal and oh no I'm so nervous because how come I was chosen to be a human? Out of everything there is? No one is worried about any of these things like I think we should be. It's great probably that I am this lucky. Only I just want the knowledge of the whole universe and every story of every poor family in alabama to the history of the yak to the monks and the rabbis and every little baby that is dead and why and where do all the good people go? I always think that I can make a difference and I have potential to be great. Because I have to have that or I would melt and I feel bad for everyone that is poor or unfortunate and because I'm not I should try to do something about it but still I don't think I can save the world or anything and it's just so sad because no one really knows anything they just go through life pretending and trying to make the best of crap or else we are all just whiny brats that don't understand how lucky we are unless we relatively aren't like the stars are. And I wish I would just know what to do without making a fool of myself or caring if i make a fool of myself or not. DId you know that when you are dead your body will decompose and worms will crawl out of your body's eyeballs? Do you ever think that if you were born in a different country as a different person would you still be you? But you would never think the same. So hmmm.....Why are we here again?

Every night I dream that I've gone to Turkey to be with my sister. Every day I wonder if I'll ever get to go some place cool and experience amazing things. Every day I just want to be gone!

I am going to write a novel and the title is going to be "Sure, He's Sorta Floppy and Unimaginative. But He's Mine and That's How It's Going to Stay."

Well. Maybe not. I'm not very good at writing. Yet.

143

Evolution of the Picture

Simple life, no pictures.
Early humans mark the walls of their caves with rocks and blood and dirt.
Pictures of antelope and bison and stories appear.
Hieroglyphs, symbols, letters all over the world.
Paintings and messages become more elaborate.
Realism and the Renaissance.
Pictures become vivid and lifelike.
Photography, film.
Color photographs, more efficient cameras.
First motion picture, the kinetograph.
Black and white silent movies.
Sound addition.
Cartoon animation.
Technicolor.
3D.
HD, Blue Ray.
Really good 3D.
Simulations of real life, tricking the senses.
Real life.
Simple life, no pictures.

Christmas Day

I think Christmas is about learning to spend time with and trying to get along with your family. That is what I mostly did today. But it really is just a day of normal colors. Only I never left the house. I did ask to understand God and Jesus this Christmas. I think it is amazing that the whole month of December is just building up and building up to this moment, to this day. And yet, after the initial opening of the gifts, the rest of the day feels like an anticlimax. Maybe Christmas Day, like the prom, really isn't all it's cracked up to be. After weeks of planning, pruning, purchasing, the day finally arrives, and what? It's over in twelve hours, give or take. You're left with a mess, a topsy state of mind, and memories that could go either way on the enjoyable scale. I don't know. Christmas has been so twisted and flipped around throughout the ages that it's hard to know what it's supposed to mean. I know it's cliche. But it probably is what you make of it. I don't know. I'm done. Happy Christmas.

Christmas Eve

Today was a really good day. We did our Christmas Pageant; it was practically flawless. Erica played the angel Gabriel, a wiseman, and the donkey, Cameron filmed, edited, and played a wiseman and an innkeeper, hannah played elizabeth and a wiseman, Carter played a sheep, an innkeeper, and the wisemen's servent, Magua. AVa played Jesus, I played Mary and King Herod, Mom played an innkeeper, and Dad played Joseph (Henry was out of town). After it was all said and down, we watched it with our cousins, the Ostrengas. It was soooo sweet. Well, just got back from midnight mass. I fell asleep almost. Anyway, the movie-making was an experience. Especially with dad grabbing naked Ava from between my legs. Haha. Anyway, I have to put the presents under the tree and go to bed. Merry Christmas. And happy birthday to Jesus.

Christmas Adam

The day before Christmas Eve. Har-har. Feeling Grinchy. I'm doing nothing but watching dumb TV while my two best friends are sledding together (without calling me), my sister is at a party, and my brother has ten friends partying in the family room. I don't even know where anyone else is. But I'm depressed. I could play my cello. I'm just starting to learn it. I could drive to...to...bahhaw. I'm going to breakdown and call someone. I called Elise. She was the one who went sledding. But it's okay because she thought I was going skiing. Which I was earlier today. She's going to bed and I'm thinking it's a good idea. Dear God: Thank you for my shirt. Thank you for books, fire, and plants. Thanks for water, snow, mice, lights, and toilets. Thank you for my home, chairs, and pillows, medicine, Ava, and cherryblossoms. Thank you for voices raised in song. Thank you for bones, muscles, blood, and tissue. Especially tissue. Thanks for all the opportunities you give. Thanks for the patience and the ideas. Thanks for both of my parents being alive, thanks for crazy family and crazy everyone. Thank you for Joseph and Mary. Please take my fear; help me learn and understand. Help me to let go of stress and worries. I know I need you, I think. Amen.