Christmas Day

I think Christmas is about learning to spend time with and trying to get along with your family. That is what I mostly did today. But it really is just a day of normal colors. Only I never left the house. I did ask to understand God and Jesus this Christmas. I think it is amazing that the whole month of December is just building up and building up to this moment, to this day. And yet, after the initial opening of the gifts, the rest of the day feels like an anticlimax. Maybe Christmas Day, like the prom, really isn't all it's cracked up to be. After weeks of planning, pruning, purchasing, the day finally arrives, and what? It's over in twelve hours, give or take. You're left with a mess, a topsy state of mind, and memories that could go either way on the enjoyable scale. I don't know. Christmas has been so twisted and flipped around throughout the ages that it's hard to know what it's supposed to mean. I know it's cliche. But it probably is what you make of it. I don't know. I'm done. Happy Christmas.

Christmas Eve

Today was a really good day. We did our Christmas Pageant; it was practically flawless. Erica played the angel Gabriel, a wiseman, and the donkey, Cameron filmed, edited, and played a wiseman and an innkeeper, hannah played elizabeth and a wiseman, Carter played a sheep, an innkeeper, and the wisemen's servent, Magua. AVa played Jesus, I played Mary and King Herod, Mom played an innkeeper, and Dad played Joseph (Henry was out of town). After it was all said and down, we watched it with our cousins, the Ostrengas. It was soooo sweet. Well, just got back from midnight mass. I fell asleep almost. Anyway, the movie-making was an experience. Especially with dad grabbing naked Ava from between my legs. Haha. Anyway, I have to put the presents under the tree and go to bed. Merry Christmas. And happy birthday to Jesus.

Christmas Adam

The day before Christmas Eve. Har-har. Feeling Grinchy. I'm doing nothing but watching dumb TV while my two best friends are sledding together (without calling me), my sister is at a party, and my brother has ten friends partying in the family room. I don't even know where anyone else is. But I'm depressed. I could play my cello. I'm just starting to learn it. I could drive to...to...bahhaw. I'm going to breakdown and call someone. I called Elise. She was the one who went sledding. But it's okay because she thought I was going skiing. Which I was earlier today. She's going to bed and I'm thinking it's a good idea. Dear God: Thank you for my shirt. Thank you for books, fire, and plants. Thanks for water, snow, mice, lights, and toilets. Thank you for my home, chairs, and pillows, medicine, Ava, and cherryblossoms. Thank you for voices raised in song. Thank you for bones, muscles, blood, and tissue. Especially tissue. Thanks for all the opportunities you give. Thanks for the patience and the ideas. Thanks for both of my parents being alive, thanks for crazy family and crazy everyone. Thank you for Joseph and Mary. Please take my fear; help me learn and understand. Help me to let go of stress and worries. I know I need you, I think. Amen.

Day Something

Christmas is a day of love and giving and showing appreciation. Giving someone a present means you love them in this culture and society. Or it could be an obligatory thing. Well, it is anyway, but not just that to a lot of people I think. The world is far from perfect. Probably because there are billions of voices and common ground is hard to find. It's too much of a challenge. The world can't be saved, can it? So what was Jesus here to do, anyway? Save us from our sins? Well I don't even know what that means. We still sin, we still have consequences for sinning, we will keep sinning. So. Are we just supposed to strive for goodness all the time? I don't know anyone that does just that. Maybe we just do what is easy, but easy on our conscience, too. Which could be just about anything, really. You could justify anything in the end. Plus there are no clear boundaries. There are the commandments. But there are grey areas for everything. Christmas is probably just what you make of it. People that aren't Christian celebrate Christmas. Other people that aren't Christian can't play any type of Christmas music, secular or not.
Our tree is the ugliest thing you ever did see. It's bulky and thick, someone was creative enough to put not only silver garland but red garland to and fro across it, the strung lights are an odd combination of pinks, greens, yellows and blues. The ornaments range from popsicle stick rudolphs to large paper bells to heavy snowman to pictures of young children, and the crookedly placed star on top alternates from neon blue to neon green every two seconds (it's very distracting).
Not a person is balanced between rationality and emotionality when it comes to thinking, acting, and reacting. They are either too rational and considered a stoic or heartless or they are too emotional and get carried away with anything they think might be mildly offensive. Ava is the only innocent one, so it's a good thing she'll be playing Jesus in the pageant, (although she has no choice). The scarf tied on my head today both liberated me and oppressed me. I was free in choosing how to dress, yet i was called a pirate, a gypsy, a mammy, and my scarf was called a turban (which it did not look like in the least, by the way). I listened to a large discussion/debate on power dynamics and racism today after school between two well-educated people. Immediately following, I had a dumb argument that led to nowhere good because in a remark realizing my headscarf oppression, my headscarf was called a turban and I was blunt and annoyed because the person who said it said it without thinking first and because I reacted thus I felt obligated to explain that I was only blunt because I had just gotten out of a large discussion/debate and couldn't handle non-thought-out and plainly wrong remarks. Because the person was highly emotional and not at all rational, things escalated to the point where I couldn't explain myself without everything I said being interrupted and\or ridiculously twisted back at me. And so this just makes me mad. And then I read my sister's paper on how Muslim women in secularized Turkey feel liberated or oppressed by their headscarves. So the moral of the story is that everything is real and nothing makes real sense.
Ah, Christmas. Such a lovely time of the year, isn't it? A time for giving. Because no other time is a time for giving. Sorry. Just ignore the sarcasm. Think think think. Pachew pachew. Is life really just what you make of it? I need some fresh perspective, always. Nicely done, well-seasoned perspective. Ratatouille reference. We are not what you think we are. We are golden.

Day 5

I went shopping. Joke... Just kidding. Well kind of. Eventually I got so sick of spending money that I went to Goodwill to get the rest of my family's presents. Is that real? Is that pathetic? It's what I said, I don't want to buy a lot of presents for people or expensive ones and all that. My brother tried to lecture me on how the worst thing is giving a present you're not proud of. I think that is what everyone pretty much bases their Christmas shopping on, except that proud means extra and more and purchase lots for more dollars, that is what proud of equals, if you get my drift. Maybe we are brainwashed into thinking that we can only feel good about giving if we give the best gifts..(most expensive)..et cetera. The movies and books I got are great. Like, super, probably. But will they even be appreciated to their full and true value and potential? Let's see... Used, oldie but goodie VHS movie, versus brand-spanken new just-came-out blue ray hi def whatever DVD. Who gets the better thank you? Isn't it the thought that counts, guys?.. Guys?.. Are you there?.. Okay good. Scared me for a second there... Anyways. I do feel kind of ...bad that I didn't get "proper" as it were, gifts for mein familias. I'm infected with the media you-must virus. How come acting of my beliefs doesn't really feel too great right now? Song burst: Where are you Christmas? Why can't I find you?? How come I used to understand Christmas and never had doubted its validity before this year? I seem to know how important it is or should be. I'm just scared that I maybe won't love it this year. Maybe that's why I'm doing this. If this is growing up, I sort of want to grow down. Let me be the first to admit it. Au Revoir.

Days 3 and 4:

I typed up a version of the Christmas Pageant and I'm going to put it on with my family. We're going to tape it and play it on Christmas Eve. That is the plan, anyways. There is much to do. Like where are we giong to have each scene? What about all the costumes? And who is going to play the donkey? Ava is going to play the baby Jesus, and she is so excited. She's pudgy and five months old, but she'll have to do. I'm going to be Mary, I think. And since Cameron won't play Joseph, I've asked Henry to do it. Haha. I think it's going to be great. I walked around for awhile the other night with pillow in my shirt and some sheets wrapped around me. I really thought I was Mary. Then we watched "The Nativity Story" and I was just in love with it all.

Yesterday I visited my elderly neighbors, Gordon and Grace. They are in their early nineties and Gordon is half paralyzed from his stroke. I hadn't visited them in a while. I sat and talked with them for a while and promised I'd come back later. And I did. I brought Mollee, Carter, and Ava with me this time, along with some homemade heath candy and banana bread. It was a lot of fun. Gordon was laughing and smiling as Ava grabbed his hands and ferociously tried to eat his knuckles with her gums. It really brightened his day, I think. Also I invited them to come over on Christmas day, because they had no plans. I joked with Grace, saying we could pull Gordon over in a sled, and she just laughed and laughed. I also decided to get Grace a movie for Christmas. Her favorite, Gone with the Wind. I also want to take Grace shopping with me, because I know that she rarely ever leaves her house, and she would enjoy it. I don't know if she would leave Gordon by himself though.. We'll have to see.

Day Two:

So far, I have become more confused and sad as my quest takes me to new realizations. Why does Christmas mean different things, first of all. Yes, to some extent we are celebrating Jesus' birth. But I think mostly we are celebrating presents. So I asked Dictionary.com what they thought Christmas meant. Here's a portion of what they said:

Cultural Dictionary

Christmas definition

A festival commemorating the birth of

Jesus, traditionally celebrated on December 25 by most Western Christian churches. Although dating to probably as early as a.d. 200, the feast of Christmas did not become widespread until the Middle Ages

. Today, Christmas is largely secularized and dominated by gifts, decorated trees, and a jolly Santa Claus.

On some level I am very saddened by Christmas being largely secularized. But I can see the other side too. I also think Christmas causes way too much unnecessary stress. So I've decided to buy my family's presents at Goodwill or homemake them. I think they are more personal that way. Hopefully I'll be able to and not get swept away. It's quite difficult. I rang the Salvation Army bell today outside the grocery store. Part of the reason I did it was for the "volunteer" hours I have to get for National Honor Society, I'll admit. But the part that really was voluntary: Henry and I sang Christmas carols as people walked us by, and some said they'd donate money just because we were singing. So that was nice I think. I'll talk about this season's stand against secularization of Christmas that I have planned tomorrow. Peace.

The True Meaning of Christmas

Day One:
I've been wanting to search and find out the true meaning of Christmas; and while I'm at it, hopefully, of life itself. Everybody knows that Christmas means different things for different people. Many see it as a cultural event with many certain rules and guidelines as to how it must be done. Some see it as a time of much giving and getting, but more often than not, much spending. And, like portrayed in the movie, The Four Christmases, some see it as a chore to have to visit with their family. So what is Christmas? Is it really the celebration of the Christ's birth? Is it feeling particularly charitable and giving to the needy, all because it is that time of year? Is it being with the ones you love and showing your appreciation for them? And has Christmas become all about consumerism? You might say "Well yes, yes it has, but not for me. For others, perhaps it is all about spending and buying the latest gadgets, but it is I who knows the true meaning of Christmas!" Yet every Christmas, the average American spends over four hundred dollars! Sure, it's great for businesses. It might also be great news for your therapist. So here I start on my quest to find the true meaning (or spirit?) of what we call Christmas, the season of hope, peace and love, also decked halls, the birth of our Saviour, Saint Nick, Santa, elves, family, food, charity, snow and presents.

I just got really sad and then really angry. Today was the first day that my long time boyfriend told me that he didn't want to spend time with me, and gave no excuse. Minor? Probably. Upsetting? Obviously. Anyway he got angry at my sadness, so i got angry at his anger and we parted without making up. The one thing I thought I could count on always. Him wanting to be with me every day, at least. and now he just doesnt feel like it. this has never happened before. Oh well. Its fine. Its not a big deal. Really. sorry for the grammar. i dont care.

..

I'm going on a personal quest to find the true meaning of Christmas. All I can come up with at the moment is one word....Ava.